Each person who is bereaved by suicide has a unique experience. They have their own personality, their own connection to the person. Grief is different when you loose a parent to a child, a partner or a friend. Suicide does affect all those who knew the person. It is far reaching and complicates the grief.
My own experience comes from my perspective. I was one year old when my father chose to end his life here on Earth. At this young age, I had no concept of death and therefore no chance to grieve. I grew up without a father and with the false understanding that he had died in a car accident. By the time I was at school, everyone had 'forgotten': not so for my brothers whose peers knew what had happened.
I learnt the truth at 15 when my eldest brother argued with my mother. She turned to me and said that she did not want me to know till I was getting married. The secrecy of my childhood was out in the open. I had no knowledge of him as a person. Mum would never talk about him, even with direct questioning.
Making this knowledge conscious only enforced my sense of shame. I knew instinctively that I was not good enough, never would be. I felt responsible for his death. I hadn't been good enough, pretty enough etc. Everyone who is close to a suicide carries their personal shame. I have known cases where grandchildren who were not even born when the suicide occurred felt that they were to blame, even though it goes against the fact that they could not have.
I could not deal with this: our family was isolated in its shame. My father's family had long fled the scene, leaving us to cope alone. To this day I would not know if I passed a close relative on the street. This no longer disturbs me. The secret my mother had carried alone kept me shielded, but unaware of what was wrong: and there was something wrong. Carrying a secret shame is just like a physical sore - it festers. With no release, some of my mother was also dead.
During the next three years I talked with some of mum's older relatives. No one seemed to know why he had taken his own life. Was it because he had failed his exams or some deeper reasons? This question will never be answered.
I do know that the shame and blame my mother felt underscored our whole lives. In 1954, my mother had no access to any professional help. This is the first thing that I acknowledged in my healing. She did the best she could at the time. My brothers and I were given to friends while she coped with her own initial thoughts and feelings. She has never returned to the mother I had known for the first year of my life. A part of her was cut off forever. This is a little spoken effect of suicide for children - the loss of not only one parent but also the part loss of the parent who is left. This meant I grew up with only part of one parent. I am still healing from this loss today although it has a minimal effect on my life now.
The next part of my healing was to acknowledge that my father chose what he did for his own reasons. We will never know what they were - how he was feeling. I do know that he felt we would be better off without him. Life was too hard and death seemed the better option. I had a choice to live in shame of his actions or to acknowledge and understand them.
As John Bradshaw author of "Healing the Shame that Bind Us" says, shame binds us and makes us powerless. I had so much of my energy tied up in the shame that there was little left for daily living. My body body ached with the pain of his suicide, my mother's (and hence family's) shame, the rejection from his family, and above all the guilt that I was to blame. These things are felt by all who are left after suicide.
It was not until I understood that we all choose each moment of our lives that I could start to come to terms with his actions. If we do, (and I believe this with all my body and Soul) then to choose death is just another choice. We are all choosing death in some way - through addictions, illness or accident. To choose death consciously is a wonderful choice.
What is death anyway? For me, it is simply the transition to non-physical. Our inner core is eternal. When we die, it is only our bodies that we leave. There is no loss of our consciousness. We leave our pain behind and re-emerge into pure energy which is unconditional love - our natural state. (For more on this visit www.abraham-hicks.com).
With this in mind, I spoke with my dad. I knew he was around and that he could hear me - even if I could not hear him. The energy that would wash through my body - the love - was enough. I now knew he loved me for who I was. One wound was healed - that of having my father's praise.
It took many inner sessions to reach this level. Forgiveness is something that is frequently brought up by health professionals. Indeed, forgiveness is of great importance. I have found that it is something that needs to occur often to arrive at the moment when I really understand it. The ultimate understanding for me is that it is not my father's suicide I am forgiving: it is the way I have structured myself because of it!
Living in shame meant that I was a victim - at the mercy of the world. Internally, I never felt good enough. With much inner work, I have come to know that I am good enough. All are born equal and so am I. There is no difference when we are born. We are all pure positive energy. I had allowed myself to believe that this was true for everyone else but not me. Shame would not allow me to acknowledge it for myself. Learning that other people also felt this was very healing.
One of the best recognitions I have had is that all five of us have done our best. Dad took his life, mum covered up her emotions, my brothers coped in their ways and I coped by locking my emotions into my body. To this day, my back is healing from curvature of the spine from the burdens I was carrying, the asthma I had has abated, and I am coming to terms with comfort eating. My life is now wonderful and full of opportunities to heal some more and emerge into the beautiful, energetic, powerful person that I now know I am.
I wish the same for all those who have had a loved one suicide.
Uellan
8th August 2005
