Suicide is a traumatic event for those left behind. There is a lot of research going on into why people do take their own lives, especially the young. If you have someone in your life who is at risk, there are a number of agencies that may be of help. Talk with your family doctor or phone one of the care agencies such as Lifeline or the Salvation Army to find the best avenue in your local area.
My special area of interest is for those children left behind by a suicide. Children are vulnerable and not always included. As in my case, we children were not told and it was thought that, at 6, my brother was unable to comprehend. Grief for children needs emotional support and at the time, parents are often not able to give this support, especially if the death is their spouse or other close loved one. It is essential that the parent is supported by family and friends, by professional help, and by themselves. It is often the case that there is already an ongoing pattern of stress in the family leading up to the suicide and that puts more pressure on the family and how they will cope.
Fear is a strong underlying cause why suicide is not dealt with effectively. Fear from the church that it is a sin, from society at large and the deepest one; that the person left is to blame for the suicide. These fears bring shame and as the author, John Bradshaw, tells us, shame is binding. This means we hold it in our energy field and over time this heavier vibration leads to illness or pain.
If our children are not to grow up with emotional strain, they need to deal effectively with the situation. The family may be emotionally toxic at the time, bringing a need for children to look outside the family to talk and get the emotional support that is vital for their well-being.
The feelings of responsibility can be enormous for a child, as I experienced. It is very common for everyone associated with suicide to believe that they are personally responsible for the dearth. Even at the age of one year and two weeks, I grew up with this heavy burden. The loss of a loved one, and the subsequent partial loss of other close people, leaves the child vulnerable and not knowing who he/she is. The loss of a parent leaves a gap in the understanding of life. There is much written about this aspect of grief for children.
In relation to suicide, Noonan describes the intense emotional reactions such as guilt, feelings of responsibility, shame, social rejection and alienation and blame (Pfeffer et al., 1997; Silvermanet et al., 1994; Demi and Howell, 1991); stigma, and decreased social support (Raphael, 1984; Ness and Pfeffer, 1990; Demi and Howell, 1991; Allen et al., 1993; Pfeffer, et al., 1997) that all survivors of suicide feel.
If we do not wish our child to carry this burden, we need to actively help them. It may be that an aunt/uncle, trusted friend or grandparent may be the best person to help and support the child. Professional help is also important. In Breaking the Silence, Linda Goldman outlines the fact that when adult emotions are not dealt with, then the child is locked into frozen blocks of time. The child, in some ways, stays the child, even into adulthood. She also stresses that these closed topics must become open for discussion in a safe, non-judgmental way if the child is to grieve.
Children need time to explore their feelings, to express them safely through art, drama or sport helping them to come to terms with their loss. Genuine, open communication with a loved one is imperative for the child to access grief and hence commence the healing process.
Children are resilient and will grow up to take their place in society. The choice to grow into adulthood as a free spirit is one that all caregivers can help them with along the way.
Visit: Multicultural Mental Health Australia
